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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

When the Honeycomb Words Won't Stick

Last week a reader asked, "What do you do when you hear those [encouraging] words – but they go right through you as if they were never said – that would be my question – when you can't hear the positive what do you do?"


When a girl grows up with schoolmates calling her, "Dog," by which they mean ugly; "Bugs," as in the cartoon character, because of her severe overbite; "Brain," which in the strange world of elementary school is an insult, especially when targeted at a female...


When respected ballet teachers tell her she's not thin enough, straight enough, limber enough,...


When illness thins her hair, rounds her face, changes her husband's career path, keeps her from serving and loving her family in the way she's been accustomed...


Lies start digging trenches in her mind,*


Ruts so deep even kind words fall in.


The hairdresser calls her beautiful, and she thinks, "She's just saying that so she'll get a better tip."


Her husband tells her she looks pretty, and she thinks, "He knows how much time I spent on my makeup and hair and that I changed clothes six or seven times. He's afraid I'll be in a bad mood for our date."


Deep inside, those lies keep digging:


"Your appearance determines your worth."


"If you let them into your thoughts, they won't like you."


"You're not good enough."


"You don't measure up."


And do you know what? Those last two are true, but they are only part of the truth. The Bible says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23, HCSB). The very next sentence continues, "They are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus" (Romans 3:24).


Justified.


Freely.


Grace.


The sins and shortcomings that the father of lies says disqualify her actually are actually the prerequisites for God's grace (see Romans 5:6-8).


Every time the girl chooses to believe the truth instead of the lie, another shovelful of dirt is scooped out of a new rut and the old one fills in just a little bit more.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1). One.


"You are loved with an everlasting love" (Jer. 31:3). Two.


"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well" (Psalm 139:14). Three.


One shovelful at a time, minds are transformed and renewed through Word and Spirit. 

*The rut image comes from Holley Gerth.

If the sweet, honeycomb words go right through us with no apparent effect, that could indicate we are believing lies that have become so ingrained in our thinking that they taint even true, kind, and beautiful words. From one struggler to another, here are some principles I am finding helpful:
  • Recognize the lies I'm believing. Vague feelings of accusation, rejection, and worthlessness are never from God. They are contrary to His character as revealed in Scripture and in the person of Jesus Christ.

    The Holy Spirit does convict His people of sin, but He rebukes specifically, with a view to correction, repentance, and growth in Christlikeness. Angry, blanket condemnation of who we are is the devil's strategy. Other Christians, like the mentor who first told me this, can be of great help in this process
  • Reject those thoughts as the lies they are.
  • Replace them with God's truth and ruminate on it. Some Bibles have a topical index that can help in finding applicable verses for particular needs. Sites like biblegateway.com have key word search options. Asking an older Christian is also a tremendous resource to help locate the truth opposite to the lies.

    This is one more benefit to practicing Scripture memory; every repetition of truth digs the new mental rut a little deeper and fills in the old one just a little more.

    It's also the reason I firmly believe that sticky notes and index cards are (can be) a means of grace: truth on the cabinet, truth on the mirror, truth in the handbag, truth on the fridge,... Shhh! Don't tell the decorating police! (That reminds me of another whopper, that I am a failure as a housewife because my space doesn't look like the magazine, the neighbors', the relative's, the television show, etc.)
  • Rely on the truth. At some point, when I have recognized the lies and located the opposite truths, I must choose which to believe and which to act upon.

    If I have been withdrawing from Christian community because of lies I have believed, I need to repent of that behavior as well as the false belief that prompted it.  The same goes for making faces and sarcastic quips to deflect compliments, but maybe I'm the only one here who does that.

    Again, Christian family and/or friends can support us in this process. When Allen catches me shrugging off his kind words, he sometimes calls me on it, gently but firmly: "I said, 'You look pretty.' Are you calling me a liar?" Without that kind of accountability, lasting change is even more difficult.
[There is a level of wounding and depression so deep that even the first step of recognition is impossible without help. If that describes you, I'm so very sorry and pray that the Lord who loves you would bring to you or lead you to the person best fitted to begin restoration in your life. Seeking help is not a sign of further weakness or failure.]
    Other helpful resources I'm aware of include the following:
    Happy digging, Crumbles!

    Post script: Some commenters have contributed additional insights and helpful resources. If it has not been your habit to follow the comments, I encourage you to take a moment longer to do so today.

    Considering how to walk in Christ who is Truth and whose Word is truth...

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